Trust Me
by TheologyDiscography
Summary: A post-Mauraders era story, Severus and Lily making up after their fight. Written while high on lack of sleep, bouncing back and forth between myself and my even crazier friend. Warning: reading may be hazardous to your sanity.


"No, Lily. When I needed you the most, you turned your back on me. I see no reason to trust you now." Severus turned away from her, plucking a large vial from over a burner, swirling the contents thoughtfully, trying to keep his heart from breaking again. It had hurt him too badly when she'd abandoned him; he wasn't going to let it happen again. He wasn't going to be dependent on anyone anymore.

"But why not, Sev? I can admit that what I did was horrible and cruel to you, and you've obviously recognized your own mistakes, otherwise Albus wouldn't trust you. Why will you not at least try to mend our friendship?" Her voice was pained, and he instinctively wanted to comfort her, but he ruthlessly squashed the impulse. That would only open him up to more pain. Lily sighed. "I should have just listened," she muttered, her shoulders falling from their proud posture as she turned to leave. "Sorry I wasted your time Sev."

"Wait," Severus called, not turning. Lily paused, turning halfway.

"What? Are you going to tell me the same thing James did?"

Severus's whole face twitched. That name belonged to a man that had caused him a lot of grief. "What...did he tell you?"

"That I'm wasting my time coming here. You would sooner have me and him dead than try to befriend me again."

Severus barely controlled his flinch. "Believe what you will, but I would never wish you dead. I just can't- I can't do it again." His fist clinched around the vial, the hot liquid burning his palm. Somehow, this girl-woman standing behind him always managed to get inside his defenses. If she weren't a Gryffindor, and his best friend since he was five, he would have been frightened by that, by the way the words just seemed to slip past his guard whenever he was around her. He could hear her footsteps approaching, but he didn't turn, and after a moment he took the cooling potion, pouring it into a cauldron beside him, stirring until it turned a soft mauve. She laid a soft hand on his elbow.

"Can't do what, Sev?" she asked, and her voice was soft and sympathetic. "I've missed you, even when I was too lost in my stubborn pride to admit it. Haven't you missed me?"

"Too much," he whispered back finally. "You can't do this now, not when I've finally gotten used to you being gone. It'll hurt twice as much next time, because I'll always be hoping..."

"Hoping for what Sev? We have been through this. I am and always have been your friend. And always will be." Severus shook his head, his emotional turmoil making him want to lash out thoughtlessly, but doing that was what had lost him her in the first place.

"You'll leave again," he muttered. "And I'll be alone again. But it'll be worse for the memory of this, of us fixing things now, and it'll hurt even more to know that we won't this time." He turned suddenly and yanked his sleeve back harshly, holding his marked forearm before her eyes, and she flinched back as though she expected him to strike her. "And then this is all I'll be left with, once again," he said, fury filling his voice. After leaving him to make the worst decision of his life alone, how could she expect him to trust her intentions now? She'd waited until he'd gone to Albus before trying to make amends; what if this was just another of his schemes to make him feel accepted and not so incidentally give the meddling old man someone keeping an eye on the black sheep of the order?

"I'm sorry I chose to live. It's not always the easiest decision. Abandon friends and live or stay and..." Sev cut her off, snatching her by the waist with one arm, and stopping her words with a heated, frantic kiss. When he finally let her go, she just stared. The cold glare in his eyes had been replaced with misplaced hope. She hated this look more than the cold stare. His eyes dimmed again at her lack of response. He stepped away, snapping the fire off on his ruined potion before it bubbled over.

"Five days work, wasted," he said idly before turning to face her again. "You never did understand, did you? I love you, Lily." Only here, in his personal workroom, carefully warded against any and all methods of spying on him, did he feel safe revealing that. "I tried once to figure out when I'd fallen in love with you. I eventually came to the conclusion that I'd always been in love with you, even when I was too young to understand what it was." She took a step forwards, tears tracing their way down her cheeks, but he stepped back. He couldn't handle the mixed signals she was sending him. "Do you know how it feels to be abandoned by the one person you loved and trusted with all your heart? It's miserable. I couldn't handle it happening again. I'd pop myself."

"You'd pop yourself?" she said skeptically. Snape threw his hands up in exasperation.

"You're hopeless."

"Okay okay, I'm sorry that was tactless. I just don't know what to say. I suspected it, just didn't want to acknowledge it..."

"And why? If you knew what was going on. To be a true friend, why didn't you say anything? Why would you leave me on my own? Why would you abandon me?"

"It frightened me, ok!" She yelled back suddenly. "I don't understand why you love me, when every other word out of your mouth says that I should be killed! That I should never have been allowed to attend Hogwarts! That the world would have been better off if I hadn't been born!" He flinched back.

"That was unfair. I was parroting the only people I could find who would accept me. We've already seen where they led me." He shook his still bared arm in emphasis. "Not all of us are so lucky in our friends as you, Miss Evans." He spun, putting his hands on the rough wall, leaning his forehead against them.

"So what does that make me huh? Chopped liver? Gee, thanks Sev." Snape snapped away from the wall, pulling her back to him, holding onto her to keep her from walking away. "That's not what I meant, it's not what I..."

Lily shushed him. "I know that's not what you meant. But you know it's not easy to watch someone parade with a mask for people that don't appreciate the mask or the real thing, when I'm standing right here."

Severus shook his head. "Your opinion is the only one that mattered, to me now or then. I just... wanted to fit in." He sighed, reluctantly resting his head against her shoulder. "Not counting you, the only people who would associate with me were other Slytherins. And even then, I was the low man, because I'm a half-blood. I had to keep the mask, because I couldn't possibly stand up to all of them, especially since I only had one girl to watch my back. They would have killed me, and made it look like an accident. I was only trying to protect myself, and you discard me like yesterday's newspaper."

"You know what? Truce. Call it a truce and make a pact. We can seal it in spit on our palms." She started to hack a big one into her hand. Sev stopped her, laughing softly. "We're not in school anymore. We can seal it the grown up way," he said, bending to kiss her again, softer this time, a quick peck on the lips. Slowly, he backed her against something solid. He didn't kiss her again, but his eyes were fixed on her face with dark intensity that made her shiver. Even James had never looked at her like that. Like she was water to a man lost in the desert, like a condemned man's last meal. Like she was everything in the world he lived for. One hand gently cupped her face, the other twining in the hair at the back of her head, twining it between his fingers. It was so long, and so vibrantly red. He'd always loved her hair.

"What should I do, Lily?" he asked softly. "In this moment, I think I'd do anything you asked."

"Trust me," she whispered back, looking slightly frightened at the intimacy of the moment. Severus pursed his lips.

"I shall try, Lily. It's all I can promise."


End file.
